


Werewolves Fancy Girls

by dharmageek



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship, Sirius Black Being Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7365634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmageek/pseuds/dharmageek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fred and George Weasley convince Sirius to find out more about Remus's preference in partners.  </p>
<p>This story takes place the summer before Harry's Fifth Year at Hogwarts. Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys are at Grimmauld Place, a mansion where they are hiding from Deatheaters (like Nazi's only with less choreography and more mardi gras masks).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Werewolves Fancy Girls

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: With the invention of movable type, reading became more and more common among the masses as cheap paperbacked literature became available. As an after effect of this increasing exposure, individuals would often negotiate texts placing literary characters in homespun tales that were told in storyteller settings, such as around the family hearth or in the public-house, where maybe only one or two individuals could read. Therefore, I am only perpetuating a tradition that has evolved to be incorporated into an electronic format and grown to encompass other forms of media including songs, movies, television, and video games.
> 
> **Eyes twinkle** For those of you that don’t believe that, I do not own anything. I am not making money off of this. And J.K. Rowling is bloody brilliant, and this all belongs to her.
> 
> Warning: This a rather silly/absurd piece of fan fiction and can be linked to larger cultural phenomena including Invader Zim and Eddie Izzard. Homosexuality is mentioned in this story, however, this story does not contain SLASH or any other members of various late 20th-century metal bands. I am not against slash and I support him in his future endeavors.
> 
> This story is not related to Family is Everything outside of dwelling outskirts of Harry Potter Land.

It was your average afternoon at Order Head Quarters. Well average, if you are living with an escaped convict, six Weasleys, and Hermione Granger. Average, if the place where you are living is taken out of some bizarre synthesis of the fifth level of Dante’s Inferno and the dungeon scene in Snow White. And exceptionally average, if you are a former DADA professor, who just happens to turn into a wolf once a month.

Remus let out a sigh. It had been two weeks since what was now being dubbed as “the incident” and things still hadn’t returned to normal, or even a merely slightly reasonable facsimile of what passes for normal in the magical world. It wasn’t his fault, someone had the bright idea to leave him alone in the house with Fred, George, Ron, and Sirius for 72 hours without chocolate or books. What did they expect? He was only human after all. Well, most the time anyway.

Remus shook himself out of his thoughts. “Oh well, only three more days until Harry arrives and then most of the attention will be off of me.” He reassured himself. He was quickly warmed by thoughts of how truly angsty and hormonal Harry was and how that would leave little time for the others to remember “the incident”. Suddenly cheerful, Remus started humming to himself as he walked towards the kitchen for some tea.

Outside the kitchen, the werewolf, formerly known as Professor Lupin, stopped dead in his tracks. Sirius and the Weasley twins were talking in there. And they were talking about him, and using words like “sexual preference” and “fancy.”

“Damn it, not again.” he cursed to himself.

Remus had already had this conversation with James, Lily, Peter, and for some strange reason Peter’s girlfriend at the time, a circus performer named La Rata. He paused for a moment and thought back on La Rata, a vertically challenged contortionist with a severe overbite, poor hygiene, and a moderate case of turrets. He and Sirius spent many nights in their youth speculating as to why a girl with so many opportunities would settle for Peter. Needless to say, they weren’t surprised when she dumped him for a robotic, mongoose dog named GIR.

Remus was pulled out of thoughts about his former friends when Sirius yelled “The man is gay, he has to be. Why else would he think to put Snape in old lady Longbottom’s clothes?” Remus sighed and questioned: why he had to go through this again.

Remus burst into the kitchen, startling Fred and George. Well, at least that was the reason they gave as to why they were sitting on one of the bookshelves.

A truly wicked grin flashed across Sirius’s face, he hadn’t given Remus a hard time in over 14 years. Of course, that was not taking into account “the incident” two weeks ago but that wasn’t his fault. And this was the perfect time, place, and opportunity. Not to mention the most important factor in all this, he had witnesses; ergo, Remus couldn’t kill him on the spot when he asked his clever questions.

Remus crossed to the table, poured himself a cup of tea, and sat down.

“So Remus,” the most likely of the Marauders to be committed to a social institution other than marriage started “pink or blue?”

“Blue, I guess.” Remus, the most likely of the Marauders to bludgeon Padfoot to death with a tea cup in the next hour, replied.

Leaning back in his chair with a cocky half-smile, Sirius twinkled at Fred and George, who had made their way back down to the table. “I see, you don’t sound too sure. Not really grounded in your preferences are you old friend? I would think that by your age, you would have an idea of what side of the fence you sat on concerning that issue.” Padfoot said smugly. He was very proud of himself for collecting the evidence concerning Remus’s sexuality with such cunning. He was sure Remus didn’t even begin to fathom what he was asking.

Remus arched an eyebrow and looked over his teacup at his friend. Slowly he started his internal mantra to soothe the wolf, Can’t eat him, Dumbledore would kill me. Can’t eat him, Dumbledore would kill me. Resisting the urge to start rocking in place, Remus simply said “That’s right Padfoot, you’ve got me. I secretly like pink and blue. You are just too smart for old Mooney, aren’t you?”

Sirius had to stop himself from expressing his maniacal bliss at having finally figured Remus out. However, he allowed himself to do his famous “I be so much smarter than you” victory dance. He stopped mid-shoulder shimmy and sat back down in his chair. This had been too easy. He stared at the lycanthrope, trying to figure out Remus’s little wolfie brain.

Sirius would know the truth. Glaring at Remus, Sirius almost shouted at the werewolf “Tacos or Hotdogs?”

Remus rolled his eyes, Sirius had always been a crazy prat. It seemed twelve years in Azkaban had only made things worse. “Tacos” he answered curtly as he picked up the paper.

Sirius was now pouting. How could Remus like tacos? He was British, and a proper British gentleman doesn’t admit to eating tacos. They admitted to boring stuff with occasional references to melons, they did not mention tacos. No, Remus was just trying to throw him off. After a full three minutes of thoughtful silence, Sirius felt that he was out of dash clever questions. His cunning had failed, his best bet was to be direct.

And so it was as Remus finished taking a sip of his tea, Sirius asked, “Remus, are you a homosexual?”

Remus, who the moment before was enjoying the fine flavor of the tea, did the mother of all spit takes drenching Fred and George in what seemed to be gallons of tea per to Murphy’s law of comic timing. “What!?” he asked incredulously.

Sirius gazed at his friend, looking as sympathetic as the day he had discovered Remus was a werewolf. Of course, Remus was quite disturbed by this. Before Sirius had finally figured out Remus was a werewolf with the help of James. Help being defined as James screaming at Sirius “He’s a bloody werewolf, you git” for three months straight. Sirius had tried to convince James, Peter and even Remus that Remus was a Merman, a Halfling addicted to Entdraft, a skinny beardless dwarf, a Badger, a Half House-Elf, Dumbledore’s lovechild and a donut. In fact, Sirius was trying to convince Peter and James that Remus was from Berlin but his German wasn’t quite up to par. Needless to say, Sirius’s concern was quite unsettling to the werewolf.

Sirius took Remus’s worried silence as not having understood the question. So he tried to clarify, “Do you fancy men? Hit for the other team? Sleep with…”

But Remus cut him off. “Sirius, I am not gay.”

Sirius looked thoroughly unimpressed by Remus’s answer. “You just phrased your answer that way on purpose. You don’t want me to know the truth. I know you aren’t happy Remus. But what I want to know Mooney, are you a HOMO-SEX-UAL?” Sirius practically shouted the last word.

Remus turned to his friend and solemnly answered, “No, I am not a homosexual.” And the room went silent, save for the occasional drip of tea coming off the Weasley twins.

“Oh.” Sirius finally responded. “So…um…Are you one of those bee-sexuals then?” Sirius asked. Remus almost had to jab himself with his spoon to keep from laughing. (A/N: Luckily he didn’t though because poking a werewolf with a spoon is still classified as an original sin by the Church of England).

Not bothering to put down the paper, Remus spoke plainly. “No Padfoot, I not a bee-sexual or a bisexual. I do not have sex with or want to have sex with bees or other men. Werewolves, well, this werewolf anyway fancies girls. I fancy women. If I fancied men, I would tell you and probably would be with one.” Sirius looked shocked, scandalized, surprised, and slightly crazed but that was normal for him, especially after Azkaban. He made a move to talk but nothing came out, he was at a loss. How could this have happened?

Remus moved to Sirius’s side of the table and stroked soothing circles on his friends back. “Padfoot, what’s wrong?” he asked.

Sirius gave a little sob. “But you are so kind and well mannered. You are always the perfect gentleman. You dress nicely for your means. You compliment every woman you are friends with. You can handle any emotional situation.” And then he whispered, “Are you sure?”

Remus gave a loud sigh and rubbed his temples. “Yes Padfoot, I’m sure. For as little good as did it does me, considering my condition, I only fancy women. So after the war, if we live through it, all I can hope for is finding a nice girl that believes in werewolves, wizards, gentlemen, and other fantasy creatures.” And with that he gave Sirius, a final pat on the back and left the kitchen.

After taking a few minutes to absorb everything that had been said and done over the course of the past hour, Sirius turned to George and said “Sorry mate, better luck next time.”

Fred looked despondent “But I was so sure.”

George shrugged, “It was worth a shot. I figured if we could hook up the Potions Professor with a good shag, he would be less moody this year.”

George nodded, “Aye. But we only have one more year of Snape and it is a NEWT level class.”

If everyday life had sound effects, the furious glare that manifested in Sirius’s eyes would have resounded like a clap of thunder. “You wanted to set up my best friend for a shag session with Snivelus!!??” Taking this as their cue, both Fred and George fled to their room.

Sirius was too mad to speak. He went down to the basement to complete his chores for the day. These chores consisted of befriending rats, naming said rats Peter, killing the Peter rats with a large rock Sirius had named James, and then feeding the various Peter rats to Buckbeak. He sighed, he had better get to work. He was a Marauder after all.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you to my betas Horn Head and Rosie Padfoot.
> 
> If you are interested in the actual title, “Werewolves Fancy Girls”, it comes from Eddie Izzard. The original line is “Transvestites Fancy Girls.”
> 
> Also I Siriusly doubt, (I know I’m lame but the meds are helping) Sirius is as much of a lunatic as he is in this story but what can I say, I’ve got a commercial artist license and had way too much exposure to Monty Python as a small child.
> 
> This went through a major edit in 2017 you can find the original published on Fanfiction.net under the name Prof. Pendragon. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2051411/1/Werewolves-fancy-girls in 2004.


End file.
